If
wasting time was an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medalist. If they made it
a triathlon with procrastinating and being lazy, I would rule the event. These
traits seem to have gotten more pronounced as I’ve gotten older. I think having
children was responsible. A very wise woman whose identity currently escapes me
once told me that when you have children, “The days go on forever, but the
years fly by.” I think it’s this sensation of the days going on forever (which
they do—the longest six hours of your life are the twenty minutes you have to listen
to your kid trying to play “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder) that has made me
more inclined to waste time now that I’m older.
Most
of my wasted time is spent on some website or application. I don’t game, but I’m
very happy to wander among the diversions available on the internet, distracted
by every new pretty shiny like the lazy ADD procrastinator I am. Here are ten
ways I fritter away my life.
Facebook
I
have about 350 friends on Facebook, and didn’t really spend that much time on
it until two things happened. First, Facebook revealed its dick personality and
changed their algorithm so I no longer see everything from everyone. I only see
what they think is “quality” content. This means I’m doing more stalking, going
to the timelines of friends I haven’t “heard from” in awhile to make sure that a)
we’re still friends and b) they haven’t posted a status about some massively life
changing event. The second thing that happened is that I got invited to a couple
of secret groups. Posts in secret groups are visible only to those who are in
them. It’s like having a private soundproof room where you can go talk to like-minded
folk about whatever the theme is around the secret group. Now I can spend
literally hours on Facebook, chatting it up with people who are in the books I
was in or have interests and ambitions similar to mine.
Twitter
Another
massive time suck, because even if I’m not on it, I’m constantly trying to
think of things to put on it. And of course Twitter never stops. Twitter alone
could consume a whole day.
The
New York Times/The New Yorker
We
recently got subscriptions to both of these so we now have unlimited access to
their electronic content. One could argue that at least this is somewhat
educated frittering away of time. And that’s true, except that you don’t know
what I’m going to tell you #4 is.
Celebrity
Gossip Sites
Yes,
I am one of those people who reads celebrity gossip and then whines about how
we can’t seem to get rid of the Kardashians. I am partial to The Hollywood
Sigh, Celebitchy, and Go Fug Yourself (which is less a gossip site and more of
a fashion site, but I count it). I read thoughtful, well written essays on current
events and world happenings, and then go kill a few brain cells reading about
what Kim Kardashian wore to the Met Ball. (I mean, was that dress ugly or
what?)
Humor
Sites
I
have a list of blogs I visit regularly, of course, but I also love sites like
The Onion, Clickhole, Obvious Plant, and McSweeny’s Internet Tendency (see
guys? No hard feelings over that rejection). Sometimes I use these sites as
inspiration—I’m always looking for ideas for funny activities, or occupations
to use in my own writing. I’m not taking their topics--I’m unlikely to write
about the actual activity of flicking wind chimes—but I jot down things like “flicking
wind chimes” or “probation officer” and who knows when I may need a pointless
activity, or an unlikely occupation in something I’m writing?
Advice
Columns
Mostly
just the one in my local paper, and mostly for the train wreck quality of it. I
can’t resist reading about other people’s problems and how the columnist
suggests they resolve it. It’s kind of an everyday people version of celebrity
gossip.
Amazon
Reviews
I
love to read product reviews on Amazon. Sometimes they’re intentionally funny—the
Bic pens for her and the banana slicer are the two that spring most readily to
mind. Equally funny are the ones where the reviewer has completely missed the
point of the product. The review left by someone named Matthew on the Organ
Transport Lunch Cooler was classic. He gave it one star and insisted that
anyone who used it would be “advertizing [sic] you are carrying at least $15
grand.” My guess is that Matthew is the kind of guy who generates a lot of sidelong
glances among people with normal senses of humor when he attends social
functions.
Google
Maps
Ever
since Google Maps has offered street view of almost any location around the
world, I can’t get enough of it. I go look at my high school, my grandparent’s old
house, my insurance agency’s headquarters. Perfect example: I read about an
underground city of sorts in France where a bunch of soldiers in World War I
had written their names and countries of origin on the walls. One from America
had written his address. I immediately clicked over to Google Maps, dropped the
address in, and found his apartment building in the Bronx, which is still an
apartment building. I thought that was pretty cool.
IMDB
I
love all kinds of trivia, and little back story bits about movies are always
fun. I love knowing that the horses in the Emerald City scenes in “The Wizard
of Oz” were tinted green with Jello crystals (they had to film quickly before
the horses started licking the powder off of each other—who knew horses were
such Jello fans?) and that “Miracle on 34th Street” was filmed
during such a cold New York winter that the cameras literally froze (but it was
released in the summer—go figure). The older and more iconic the movie, the
more trivia there is, but even for contemporary movies you can find quite a
bit.
Wikipedia
Every
single site that I’ve mentioned prior to this feeds into Wikipedia, and Wikipedia
is the ultimate time waster. I look up everything: the Geneva Conventions, the
biography of David Sedaris, the Doppler effect. The problem is Wikipedia links
to related articles so I finish reading about David Sedaris, and I decide it
might be interesting to read about his sister Amy. Amy was in “School of Rock.”
I didn’t know this, and after reading it, two things are likely to happen:
first, I will click on the link and read about “School of Rock,” and then I’ll remember
that I’ve never read the trivia about “School of Rock” on IMDB, and will jump
over there to check it out.
Now if you'll excuse me, the internet beckons.
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