So you want to be an Internet troll. Bravo. It’s a growth
industry.
Having said that, there are a lot of trolls who make some
very basic mistakes when leaving nasty comments. You don’t want to be one of
those—you want to be the best troll you can be. Here’s a quick primer on some
things to watch out for when spewing your venom and vitriol across the
Internet.
Actually read the
article, not just the title
Understand what the author is saying, and what their intent
is. Try not to intentionally misunderstand the author’s message. If they’re
expressing an opinion, do not assume what they’re really saying is, “This isn’t
just my opinion; it is the truth and the light. If you don’t agree with me, you
are wrong and you should be ashamed of your shameful wrongness.” If they’re trying to be funny, even if it
isn’t your style of humor, try not to be a massive dick about it. If they’re
suggesting something completely ridiculous (like, oh, people actually setting
out to be Internet trolls and needing instructions for things they shouldn’t
do, to offer a completely random example)
don’t take them seriously. Try to act like you have a sense of humor that
extends beyond knock knock jokes and the kind of shit you read on Bazooka
bubblegum wrappers.
Brush up on grammar,
spelling, and punctuation
Remember, you’re slashing a writer here. There’s a pretty
good chance he or she knows the difference between your and you’re, and when to
use who versus whom. Stupid shit like using 12 periods in between each
sentence, or blatant misspellings (hint: almost every comment section has a
Spell Check built into it; make it your friend), are going to arouse scorn and
mockery, and we will laugh at you in our writer secret Facebook groups. Your
comment will be dismissed as pathetic bullshit from an uneducated moron. I
mean, you’re leaving a nasty trollish comment anyway, so you’re pretty sure to
be dismissed even if your prose is a miracle of linguistic composition with
flawless syntax and dazzling arguments, but try not to embarrass yourself on a
technical level as well.
Don’t bother slamming
the piece as “poorly written”
You may as well just skip that part. Especially if you haven’t
heeded the previous tip. But even if your comment meets the aforementioned bar
of flawless syntax and dazzling argument, your critique of our writing style
really doesn’t matter to us. You’re not our editor or our English teacher, so you
can fuck off with condemning our output as poorly written garbage. If you think
you can do better, we challenge you to try.
Which brings us to…
Consider doing some
writing and trying to get published yourself
I’m willing to bet most people who troll sites have never
published a damned word. I said most—I’m sure there are authors who are also
assholes who would go after a fellow writer. But most writers know the pain of
rejection, the struggle it is to make it into print (even digitally), and the
fierce competition for eyeballs on the published work. They’re less likely to
lash out at a comrade who has traveled such a long and agonizing path for even
the most minor of professional exposure. We suggest you write about something
that’s important to you, then get it published (yeah, good luck with that) and
see how much you appreciate the trolls coming in and passing judgment on your
feelings, with no opportunity for you to reply to their nasty attacks.
(Because, please—you’re a troll, and this isn’t a dialog; just vomit up your rude and hateful opinions and never
darken the door of that comment
thread again.)
I hope with this list to improve the quality of the nasty responses
I see on websites. It’s incredibly frustrating for an author to write about
something that’s important and personal to them, and have a bunch of people
come in and leave asshole comments that are that are rude, conceived from a
position of ignorance, and poorly constructed. As a troll you owe it to the
author you’re slamming to provide the highest caliber of nasty comment you can.
