Although it’s not quite Christmas, many are already engaged
in the annual task of making New Year’s Resolutions with an eye toward
improving themselves in the coming months. In the spirit of this, I am
providing an alphabetical list of possible resolutions for my children. I would
encourage them to choose any and all that sound appealing.
Attitude is
something I will attempt to control when interacting with my parents. I will
not sigh loudly, roll my eyes, or make flip comments when asked to do simple
tasks that I know are my responsibility, such as hanging up my jacket.
Brushing my teeth
promotes good oral hygiene and saves the rest of the world from exposure to
breath that smells like I’ve been snacking on rotten meat with onion and garlic
sauce.
Cupcakes, while
delicious, are not the only acceptable treat for me to bring in to my
classmates for my birthday. I will think outside the box in this regard.
“Doy” is not an acceptable response when my
parents tell me something I already know.
“EVER!” is a superlative that I will use with
restraint, particularly in negative applications, such as, “You are the WORST MOM EVER!”
Fart noises
(either real or imitated), while hilarious to me and my friends, are not
generally socially acceptable, particularly in settings such as movie theaters,
public transportation, and church.
Garbage is
something that belongs in the garbage can. The living room end tables are not
garbage cans. I will internalize this fact.
Homework is going
to be a feature in my life for the next six to ten years. I will accept this
and stop arguing with my parents because they insist I do it.
Independence is
something I will earn as I get older. I will stop acting like a four year old
because I am not being treated like a sixteen year old, because I am a twelve
year old.
Kicking anything
inside the house--be it a balloon, a ball, or any other object--has the
potential to turn out very badly. I will stop at once.
Lollipops are in
fact, overrated. I will admit that my mother was right about this, and stop
demanding them every time we find ourselves within a quarter of a mile of our
bank.
Minecraft,
although fascinating to me, may not be equally as fascinating to those around
me. Therefore, I will make an effort to confine my conversations about it to 12
hours per day or fewer.
No is a word I
will learn to take for an answer.
Odor of the body
is something that is eliminated only with regular use of soap and water. I will
put this into practice, and realize deodorant can only do so much.
P is a letter of
the alphabet, the sound of which does in fact mimic the slang term for
urination. Even still, I will stop giggling every time I hear it.
Quickly is the manner in which I will endeavor
to prepare myself for activities that involve a fixed timeline, such as
dressing for school.
Reason and logic
will serve me better than whining. However, sometimes my requests will still be
denied. If so, I will learn to accept the decision gracefully (see above: No).
Socks are either
to be removed completely, or worn with shoes over them when wandering around in
the yard. Also, they do not belong on the coffee table. I will remember this.
Tantrums are for
children much younger than I.
Umbrellas and
flashlights really aren’t toys. I will stop destroying umbrellas, and running
down the batteries on flashlights, by playing with them. Then the next time it
rains, or there is a power failure, my parents will have the tools they need to
deal with the situation.
Video games,
while enjoyable, are not the only activity available to me. I will find ways to
branch out.
Water is an
acceptable beverage to consume when I am thirsty. I will stop insisting that
soda is “the only thing” that will
quench my thirst.
X marks the spot
where my dirty clothes go. There is no “X” on the floor of my room.
“Yellow snow” jokes are really only funny the first
time they’re made, when one is five. I will stop at once.
Zipping my coat
will keep me warmer than not doing so.
Happy Holidays!
