Orange and Silver: I'M IN A BOOK

Showing posts with label I'M IN A BOOK. Show all posts

And As If That Wasn't Enough...

By now you've all gotten your copies of "I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone" and read the hilarious and heartwarming essays by me and my fellow bloggers. (If you haven't, well, click on that little link over there that says, "Buy My Books!")

My colleagues and I aren't just hilarious in long form, we're also funny in short form. And by short form, I mean Twitter.

Twitter can be exhausting. You have to weed through so much unfunny stuff to get to the really good stuff. For instance, here are a few gems from my timeline right now:

Small acts of compassion each day is good for your soul
60 retweets, 103 stars

He checked my phone and now won't speak to me anymore...
13 retweets, 32 stars

Sometimes a complete silence can make them hear you.
60 retweets, 89 stars

Can we agree that the above are all horrible tweets? The first one is grammatically incorrect (and sappy), the second one only makes sense if you know the person who tweeted it (I don't), and the third one is just trite. And yet as you can see, they've all gotten starred and retweeted multiple times.

My favorite part of Twitter is the philosophical musings and sage life advice from a bunch of high school sophomores.

Well, thanks for telling us what we already know because we too live on Planet Earth and have seen some of the garbage that passes for entertainment on Twitter. But what are you going to do about it? you may be saying.

Contrary to my usual behavior of whining about things and not offering a solution, this time I have one.

TADA!

That's right--a whole book of parenting tweets by 48 people you won't believe have been allowed to procreate. Wisdom and observations from Moms and Dads, all of whom are the funniest people you've never met.

Here's the list of contributors--I'm sure you'll recognize some of these names:

@Cheeseboy22

@TheAlexNevil

@QuestionableCIP -->Also a contributor in the awesome anthology, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone

@amydillon

@funnyisfamily

@DomesticGoddss

@andyasadjective

@AndyHerald

@bpmbadassmama -->Also a contributor in the awesome anthology, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone

@bradbroddus

@designerdaddy

@mcarisa

@really10months

@ParentNormal

@FullMetalMommy

@novicefather

@mylifesuckers

@zoevsuniverse

@HousewifeofHell

@buriedwithkids

@outsmartedmommy

@alfageeek

@kalvinmacleod

@tchrquotes

@kcmoore51

@letmestart -->Also a contributor in the awesome anthology, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone

@workingmom86

@TheBeardedIris

@LindainDisguise

@modmomelleroy -->Also a contributor in the awesome anthology, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone

@sarcasticmommy4

@marlebean

@MaryWiddicks

@really10months

@pjtlynch

@moooooog35

@est1975blog -->Also a contributor in the awesome anthology, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone

@simoncholland

@StellaGMaddox

@lurkathomemom

@qwertygirl --> This is me, by the way!

@maughammom

@yuvizalkow

@CrazyExhaustion

@dadandburied

@fatherwithtwins

@McSwtrvst

@mommaunfiltered

@nicoleleighshaw

@onefunnymummy

@PaigeKellerman

@sheepandrobots

@steveolivas

@XplodingUnicorn

So let's summarize what we now know:
1) Twitter is full of twits
2) There IS funny stuff on Twitter, if you dig deep enough
3) We've done the digging for you, and put out this awesome book
4) You're welcome

So go to Amazon to buy the paperback, or Kindle edition. You'll thank me, I promise!

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Why are you still here? You didn't go to buy your copy? Maybe you still don't believe me that it's hilarious. OK, I'll prove it:

Now, off you go! And thanks!

I'M IN A BOOK and Now I'm Scared to Death

Our topic today is anxiety. Specifically, my anxiety. Specifically, my anxiety with regards to OH MY GOD A BOOK I’M IN CAME OUT TODAY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

Let’s cover the most important point first (ha, see what I did there?). This here

Is now available on Amazon, from iTunes, or at Barnes &Noble.

What is it, you say? It’s a collection of some funny and some touching essays by women, mothers, daughters, aunts, and all around badass bloggers.

So that’s awesome, you say. Where does the anxiety come in? Excitement, sure, but anxiety? What’s wrong with you?

That’s the problem—something is wrong with me. I don’t have anxiety so crushing it keeps me from living an ostensibly normal life, but I am afraid of things like having to talk to strangers, asking people to do things that directly benefit me, and speaking in public. All things that will need to be done in the next few months if this book is to be successful.

I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life. When I was a kid, I just assumed I was a “fraidy cat.” I don’t know if it was necessarily a bad thing that I was, because I’m sure it saved me from engaging in a lot of risky teenage behavior. I was terrified that the first time I did any drug I would be transformed into a hopeless junky, so I did none. I drank a little, but wouldn’t have driven for anything because I was sure I’d plow into a tree, even if I’d had only the smallest amount to drink. My one high school friend who convinced me to sneak out of her house with her spent the entire time we were out assuring me that we were perfectly safe, even as I spent the entire time looking back over my shoulder for our would-be attackers.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more uptight about…well, pretty much everything. Just last week I was sitting in a meeting at my kids’ school in which we were being trained on a tool I already knew how to use. For laughs, I made a list of very high level things that make me anxious. Here’s what I wrote down:

Strangers and that they might be scary or mean

People I know because they might be mean to me

Leaving the house because something bad could happen to me

Developing agoraphobia because I never leave the house

Crossing the street because a rogue car could come out of nowhere and hit me

That someone on my side of the street will be the person who commits one of those freak crimes where they pull out a gun and randomly shoot the people around them for no reason

Kids because I’m afraid they’re judging me

Adults because I’m afraid they’re judging me

Driving and having an oncoming car crash into me

Being a passenger and having no control

The idea that everyone who was watching me make this list was judging me for not paying attention, even though I already knew how to use the tool we were being shown

So you see.

That’s far from a finite list. I also worry about being able to find a table at Wendy’s, getting a parking place, and that my kids will be bullied in school. And that I’ll get cancer. And that my husband will drop dead of a heart attack. And that I’ll get fired. And that I won’t be able to think of anything to get the kids for Christmas this year. Sorry, I’ll stop now.

I’ve been through a parade of therapists and social workers trying to “work past” the problem, but I’ve never been able to overcome it. I know all the techniques, all the tools: ask myself what exactly I’m scared of, review the possible worst case scenarios and problem solve how to deal with them, visualize a situation from beginning to end with a positive outcome. I also know that old line about life beginning at the end of your comfort zone, so I have pushed myself outside my comfort zone from time to time. I started doing Crossfit even though I was terrified of the idea. I signed up as a Girl Scout leader, even though that has the potential to put me dead in the sights of some of the judgiest judges ever.

I don’t know the solution, and I wasn’t really planning to resolve this issue here and now. This is intended to announce my book, and possibly get a few sympathy purchases from you guys. You will go buy it, right? Please? See, now I’m all anxious that you won’t, and you’re annoyed at me for asking you. I’m going to eat some chocolate now.

Some Whining and an Annoucement

I’ve been kind of quiet for the past couple of weeks. Sorry about that. My husband won us a trip to Las Vegas by selling the hell out of the world’s most boring product (sales tax software—it’s not just software, which itself is a total snoozefest, but it calculates sales takjfadf;kjsdfsj see? I nodded off just telling you about it). We came home from that trip to turn around four days later and fly to New Hampshire to clean out my father in law’s house.

This was even less fun than it sounds, because on the last day—the Last. Damned. Day.—we got a call from the shipping company telling us they wouldn’t be able to pick up our shipment until the next afternoon. That was a deal breaker, because the house had to be empty for a walkthrough Friday morning. Shipper number two could come get it that day, but they wanted SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS because the pallets weren’t standard size and couldn’t have anything stacked on top of them. They wanted us to pay for the cubic space above each of them in the truck as well as the weight we were shipping. Apparently air in trucks is much more valuable than regular air, and this air was going to cost us seven thousand dollars.

As my husband dashed out to buy packing cartons so we could pack up a bunch of this crap and UPS it (plan B), my kids asked if they could play in the basement. I’m not sure if I’m glad I let them or not, because they walked down there and found Lake fucking Michigan on the floor. As I attempted to mop it up, I realized water was still flowing but couldn’t figure out from where.

While I was on the phone with the plumber, one of my kids came over, tugged my arm, and pointed to a leak in the kitchen ceiling. Of course. An ice dam.

This story does have a happy ending (two, in fact): the basement water problem turned out to be the hose bib which was repaired the next morning, the buyers bought the house even with the ice dam problem, and we were able to get everything to the UPS store to ship by the time it closed. I did come home with a desire to rid myself of every material thing I own, leaving us with a coat hanger and three salad forks as our sole possessions. I'm sure this will pass, but right now the urge to get rid of it all is pretty overwhelming. Still, if it prevents one unnecessary purchase, it won't be a bad thing.

The OTHER happy ending is that I get to tell you about a very exciting thing that’s happened to me. You may have heard about the anthology that Jen Mann over at People I Want to Punch in the Throat is putting together (it's all over social media). It’s a follow up to her earlier awesome and successful anthology called “I Just Want to Pee Alone” and it’s called (you’ll never guess) “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone.” You’ve probably already figured out by now that I am IN this book. Yes! Me! Along with a shit ton of other super funny and fabulous bloggers. I've spent the last few weeks virtually pinching myself because I'm so thrilled to be included.

Today I get to show you what the cover is going to look like! Ready?

TA DA!

As you can see on the shot of the back cover to the left, I am in outstanding company. In case you want to check out some of my amazing co-contributors, here's a list:

Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Bethany Kriger Thies of Bad Parenting Moments

Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying

Alyson Herzig of The Shitastrophy

JD Bailey of Honest Mom

Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket

Suzanne Fleet of Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw of Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist

Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year

Rebecca Gallagher of Frugalista Blog

Rita Templeton of Fighting off Frumpy

Darcy Perdu of So Then Stories